A few years ago my world shook and I was forced to take a really good look at every facet of my life. Over the past 2 years I've been on a journey of self-discovery as marked by several different periods - depression, more depression, bargaining/trying to fix, intense anger, numbing, de-cluttering my environment, food and fitness, diving into my beliefs and feeling empty when I realize there wasn't much left to stand on, realizing I don't know what my values are, realizing I have no idea who I am independent of what I've been told to be my whole life, and slowly, very very slowly, starting from the very bottom and building up a foundation that I can once again stand on. And at every step, I doubt. I question. I think I'm wrong. I want to believe. I'm desperate to believe. So that is the back story. And as grim as it might sound (and believe me, it gets really hard sometimes), it has been one of the greatest adventures of my life. I'm very much wading through the messy middle of all of this, but the perspective that I bring with me through this phase of my life is that of discovery, of knowing we all believe different things, and knowing that is ok, and just trying to find a little more common ground and compassion among all the craziness. One day this will be my superpower, but right now it feels like anything but. Starting over isn't easy; I feel like I'm ten steps behind all the other people who have somehow figured it all out so much faster than I have. But that is the honest truth of where I am, and I'm content with that.
Recently I've had a lot of questions surrounding the concepts of what and when to believe, how/when/who to trust, and being wrong. I find myself in the middle of all these opposing ideas and conflicts, and in those moments, my thoughts float to these types of questions. I know it might all sound naive, and in many ways, I am very naive at the moment, but that is the feeling of not being able to trust yourself or anyone around you. It sucks, but I know in the end, I believe it is what is going to lead to my breakthrough.
I am constantly seeking new information, stories and perspectives to help me sort through all these topics. I love gaining a new perspective, hearing an opposing idea that moves me away from a fixed view, or gaining more knowledge around a given subject. The very best part of this whole process is finding different ideas, learning about people, trying on different views, and seeing the world through as many sides as possible.
The Power Of Doubt:
"And we hardly realize the human price we pay when we fail to question one brick, because we fear it might shake our whole foundation." Everything about this quote resonates with me and made me want to watch immediately. I keep coming back to this one again and again.
On Being Wrong:
"Trusting too much in the feeling of being on the correct side of anything can be very dangerous."
Every day I asked myself "What if I'm wrong? What if there is something I'm missing? What if I'm not seeing the whole picture? What if, what if, what if.". I see the importance of constantly checking yourself. I see the value in asking the tough questions, and allowing yourself to at least sit with it as an option. Questioning biases and digging deep enough to examine your truths can be extremely challenging, but also extremely powerful.
I haven't been able to write in a long time, and I miss it very much. So this is my less-than-perfect attempt at starting this back up. I've lost my voice and I'm ready to find it again, even if it isn't perfect. I'm not ready to share the details of my whole story publicly, but I need to find a way to move through it, and writing has always been that path for me. My hope is that one day this will all make sense (and that one day maybe I'll make sense of it all for myself).